Casual sex is an activity many people equate with being a slut, a skank, and carrying numerous STIs. It’s also something many people associate with being gay.
By ANDY BOREHAM.
A number of people, especially those wanting to attack gay men, who often harbour conservative religious views, claim that gay people are immoral and unhealthy people, just because there is a higher percentage of us who enjoy casual sex.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, casual sex is sexual activity that is usually partaken for mutual pleasure, by people with little or no history with each other (of course, many friends and workmates also partake in casual sex, often on a regular basis). There is an definite lack of emotional feelings between people engaging in casual sex; it is purely physical.
Sexual restriction is definitely a universal norm in most societies. We are led to believe that love, and sex, should be between two people forever and ever amen. But is that right? I’m not so sure.
Is casual sex really that unhealthy? Does it really destroy the soul? Should sex just be between two people who love each other? Why is casual sex seen, by some, to be unhealthy and immoral?
It could have a lot to do with the rise of HIV and other STIs, and the idea that people who have a lot of sex must carry said afflictions.
This may have been the case in the 80s, where anyone partaking in regular, unprotected sex was at high risk of picking up HIV, but things have changed. Condoms are widely available, and most people who have casual sex are also aware of how to stay safe.
The so-called sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s, and the women’s liberation movement, certainly helped make casual sex more acceptable, but that hasn’t stopped religion scorning it.
Casual sex is forbidden in most religions, so it isn’t surprising that religious folk see it as immoral, considering they base their moral beliefs on those of a god or deity.
I personally believe that religion scorns casual sex out of fear. Religions are largely, in my opinion, controlled by scared little men who are terrified that their wives will leave them all alone. Hence this belief around the sanctity of sex and marriage was created, in effect to trap people in supposedly loving relationships for eternity. I think it’s bollocks.
Casual sex, in my belief, is a healthy, adult, exciting, fun thing to do and I think society should embrace it more openly. But it takes skill to remove the intrinsic societal beliefs we all harbour around casual sex.
I’ve had the ability to separate sex from love, when I need to, for ages now. My relationships have almost always been open to some degree, and I honestly think that made them last longer.
Can you imagine meeting someone, falling in love, and never getting to have awesome sex with another person as long as you both shall live? Why would you want to do that to yourself? Why would you want to do that to someone you love?
But there are some rules you need to follow (if you want!). Firstly, be open and honest from the outset. Let the people you have sex with know that you are just looking for fun and nothing more. Some won’t like it, and that’s fine.
Secondly, set some guidelines if you’re in a relationship. The idea that you are off looking for sex all the time probably won’t make your partner too happy. I find that timelines really help, ie: one evening you might decide that a threesome sounds fun, but try and keep it to a mutually agreed timeline.
Next, make sure you’re safe! You shouldn’t put yourself or anyone else at risk for a good time.
Lastly, have fun! Sex is awesome. It’s exciting. It’s amazing. It is something we should enjoy without shame and without restriction, as long as it’s between consenting, happy adults who understand it for what it is.
What do you think about casual sex? Do you do it? Is it healthy? Leave your comments! 
In terms of monogamy, committing to one sexual partner for life shouldn’t be viewed as a loss of opportunity, it should be viewed as gaining something fantastic. But of course, a two person relationship dynamic isn’t for everyone.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
22 
0
Nobody in New Zealand looks like these photos!
Hot debate. What do you think?
12 
12
Where do you hang out? Or are you blind? Or maybe they just don’t talk to you.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
14 
7
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Poorly rated. Keep or remove?
13 
24
Herein lies the joy of running your own website: sometimes we can write things that are purely just a take on any given subject, without too much reason or even theoretical basis.
xx
K.
xx
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
8 
2
Nice article Andy!
I think with the generation that are coming through now, GLBT or hetero, are more adventurous and may experiment more before finding a partner and even if partnered may still want some excitement.
I don’t see anything wrong with it, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, then go for it!
PS: I love your idea on where the moralistic values in religion most likely came from!
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
14 
2
Thanks Ivy Lies! The tide is definitely turning, and you’re right: as long as no one is getting hurt then do what you feel is good for you!
xx
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Poorly rated. Keep or remove?
0 
10
I love casual sex. When I lived in Wellington casual sex was frowned upon and you got labelled a sl*t’ Usually this label was applied by the mingers who just wern’t getting any.
However where I live now everyone just screws each other… and it’s celebrated within the community. We ask each other questions ‘how many did you screw in the weekend’ and have competition of who can do the most or hottest people. Life could’nt be better.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
14 
7
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Poorly rated. Keep or remove?
1 
8
Dee where do u live???
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
5 
0
I envy Dee
Keep or remove:
2 
0
hmm sorta feels like turning a person into a robot or something, like some kinda human sex toy lol I personally dont see the point in casual encounters i mean what do you gain? Other than the pleasure of course. The whole onto the next one seems like a waste of time and effort. That said im more the ‘relationship’ type i guess (not clingy btw). The question is, which is preferable? Scene wise i mean.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
12 
3
You’re feelings come from the social constructs around sexuality that we have all been programmed with from day one.
Think about it like this: is it okay to hug each other? Is it okay for your friend to give you a massage when your shoulder is sore? If your back is itchy and you can’t reach it, is it okay for someone else to scratch it for you?
That’s exactly the same as sex. It is purely a physical need and enjoyment, much the same as someone scratching your back for you. Any feelings of guilt or feeling like a “human sex toy” are constructs of a conservative and dated society.
Andy
xx
Hot debate. What do you think?
7 
3
OH i see! im coming from the wrong direction entirely! i see the light…I think we should be free to have casual sex or NOT have it. Be free to choose to behave how we like without being informed that our feelings are ‘constructs’ of a dated society.. besides I think you will find that casual sex is hardly a recent occurance. I wasnt trying to suggest that you were immoral was simply saying it doesnt interest ME! Do what you want.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
6 
0
Gay, I was just thinking that feeling like a “human sex robot” can’t feel very nice, and no one should feel like that just because they want to feel good.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
5 
0
Agreed
Just for the record though I ment it in a light hearted way.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
6 
0
what is there really to gain from a relationship??? causal sex or monogamy is really the same thing in my eyes! constructs of a conservative and dated society make us feel guilty about what we pick which is why you feel casual sex is less meaningful than monogamy.
Hot debate. What do you think?
3 
3
Never said relationships are more ‘meaningful’ and didnt mean to imply it. In fact relationships can be living nightmares right. Heaven knows a one nighter is far less stressful. I was simply thinking out loud you know ‘what is the meaning of this’ etc etc. I just get attracted to personality is all. I was just thinking that there has gotta be more to casual sex then just getting off right? Can it be as simple as pleasure? If we are simply looking for sex what does it matter who its with? I think thats really what I ment. Not taking a side just interested in dfferent points of view, i think this discussion is relevant it surprises me its not more popular.
Hot debate. What do you think?
4 
1
Hehe “usually partaken for mutual pleasure”! …Sometimes not?
(It’s not rape if you call “supriiiise”)
Hot debate. What do you think?
4 
6
douche.
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
7 
1
So am new to this, casual sex……Does it happen in welly somewhere as shown in photo??? I’ve never come across any group like this…Interested in knowing
Keep or remove:
1 
0
i recommend nzdating
Well-loved. Keep or remove?
7 
1
Nice article Andy, nice to see some sex-positive messages out there for gay people instead of just “use condoms or you’ll die horrible”.
I’d have to disagree on your casual sex definition though, I don’t think it needs to be lacking in emotion. I’ve had some very intimate casual experiences and made some great new friends that way.
My partner and I have been together for several years and recently opened our relationship up. If anything it has made our love for each other more secure and we’ve had a lot of fun with others (both together and apart).
Hot debate. What do you think?
3 
2
Cheers, Viva. My definition of casual sex is probably just that, my definition. It can mean different things to different people, but for me it involves no emotional connection.
That’s awesome about your open relationship. I find around three years is a good time to consider opening things up a little, for me anyway.
Andy.
I agree with the article.
Especially the relationship rule setting.
I have been with my 2 boyfriends for over 4 years now. Poly amorous – i believe the word is…
Our relationship isn’t very open but we do have the occasional foursome.
Lately I’ve found myself being more attracted to other people, and I already know that my boys are also.
I think it’s a good thing to be able to act upon your feelings – the urge to taste ‘delicious’ people – provided you are open about it.
A rule that we’ve set is that you can have 1 on 1 sex with another man… until we’ve all played in a group sex situation. and even once that happens we don’t run off going at each other like rabbits…
I would have to say that also… after 4 years of ‘marriage’ with my boys… the sex doesn’t happen often. I find myself starting to get bored!
And believe me… it’s difficult for all of us to even do it because we’re all usually tired from work or just not keen.
Hot debate. What do you think?
2 
3
Ridiculous….the question about casual sex being slutty etc. Because of herpes hiv+ clamydia and many many more. the amount of people walking around with an std and don’t even know it is disgusting…some even know it and keep spreading it. I have a question why do do many gay men BAREBACK etc. Told that in bathhouses there is a lot of this…it really should be criminal imo as many must be hiv_+ and just don’t give a shit. IT is such a self centered immediate gratification life style and you can’t convince these people because they are so far gone from a healthy mind set it’ just impossible
Keep or remove:
2 
2
“as long as no one is getting hurt then do what you feel is good for you!” What an utterly STUPID statement. I don’t know one gay relationship or straight that isn’t HURT when cheating lying deception occurs… In fact even if is a supposedly ok open relationship …there is still hurt …so STOP with this childish statements of ” as long as nobody gets hurt” it’s ARCHAIC thinking
Keep or remove:
0 
2
“This may have been the case in the 80s, where anyone partaking in regular, unprotected sex was at high risk of picking up HIV, but things have changed” LIAR THINGS HAVE NOT CHANGED AT ALL——YOUR HEAD IS IN THE SAND MAN—-THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THAT BAREBACK OR USUALLY OR SOMETIMES PRACTICE SAVE SEX IS DISGUSTING——-AND THE NUMBER OF YOUNG GUYS THAT ARE HIV+ IS UNBELIEVABLE…..PLEASE STOP SPREADING LIES—-There is a complete lack of responsibility among gay men in general is glaring. A good % crawl around in parks and under bridges and in bathhouses and orgy rooms etc. IT’S TIME THAT THE WORLD KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT GAY MEN’S BEHAVIOR. OH I KNOW THERE IS A SMALL % THAT DON’T. HEY JUST GO TO A LEATHER BAR AND YOU’LL GET AN EYE OPENER IN THE DEPRAVED BEVAVIOR OF GAY MEN……OH AND THEN THEY’LL SAY STAIGHT PEOPLE DO THE SAY……bs PERCENTAGE WISE GAY MEN FAR FAR FAR OUTSTRIP WITH THE SEEDY SKANKY BEHAVIOR….THEY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN IT SO LONG THEY THINK IT’S NORMAL……JUST LOOK AT THE GAY PARADE —-SUPPOSED TO BE AN ALL INCLUSIVE EVENT……NO WAY WOULD i TAKE CHILDREN OR MOST SELF RESPECTING ELDERLY TO THESE PATHETIC EMBARRASSMENTS. WHEN IS THE GAY COMMUNITY GOING TO GROW UP AND START ACTING RESPONSIBLY
Hot debate. What do you think?
1 
4
WRITING IN CAPITALS IS REALLY HARD TO UNDERSTAND + TL;DR ANYWAY.
Keep or remove:
1 
1